


Rewrite the Stars

by laugh_hard_run_fast_be_kind



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Heartbreak, Song Lyrics, thasmin, was really feeling this song for them, wlw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-17
Updated: 2019-01-17
Packaged: 2019-10-11 10:21:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17445068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laugh_hard_run_fast_be_kind/pseuds/laugh_hard_run_fast_be_kind
Summary: How can two people circumvent an entire universe, a whole timeline of love and loss?  And should they even try?





	Rewrite the Stars

 

“Yas!  Yasmin, please.” The Doctor’s voice echoed out through a corridor deep within the Tardis.  She sped up, trying her best to see where her companion had taken off to, but Yas was tricky to keep up with when she didn’t want to be caught.  Both of the Doctor’s hearts were racing as she caught a glimpse of that long black hair in the air as Yas quickly rounded a corner, and before she knew what was happening, both women had crashed into a wall.

 

“Why do you have a dead end here!?” Yas half-shouted as she ended up on the ground with the Doctor falling over her legs, tangling the two women together momentarily.  Her eyes still carried anger as she found the Doctor’s, frowning before getting to her feet. 

 

The Doctor followed shortly after, shoving her hands into her pockets and staring straight back, silently begging Yas to settle for just a moment, but refusing to yield to the younger woman’s anger.  “You know as well as I do that the Tardis likes to rearrange things, especially when she knows it’s for the betterment of her passengers.”

 

When she got no response, The Doctor took a couple steps back, right up until she felt her back hit one of the walls, then just leaned against it, making no plans to move.  She was just enough in the way that Yas would have to push past her to get by.  This wasn’t the way the Doctor would have planned such a conversation to take place but there was no way she was going to let someone this important to her simply leave angry and lacking an understanding of the situation. 

 

If only the Doctor had known the conversation that was to be had when Yas had found her back in the console room, hours after everyone had retired to their rooms after their latest adventure.  She had looked so conflicted, curled in on herself in a way the Doctor hadn’t seen before.  Her Yas, always the confident one, ready to protect and serve no matter the situation.  If the Doctor was honest, it was one of the most attractive qualities she’d seen in quite a while, since…

 

Well, since _her_.  And that was the trouble, wasn’t it?  If she were to think of Rose, she’d have to think of her now, where she ended up.  And of Martha, and then Donna, Amy, Rory, River…  That list grew to be longer than it ever should have, full of people who deserved so much better in their lifetimes.  She couldn’t do it.  It was a rabbit hole with something worse than madness waiting for her at the end.  All that was there for her was an emptiness, the promise of a lonely life at the end of painful goodbyes each and every time she let another person in. 

 

“Doctor?” came Yas’s voice, just above a whisper.  She was looking at the alien closely, the anger dissipating as she reached out and brushed her thumb against a pale cheek.  That was when the Doctor fully realized the tears streaming down her face.  Without thinking, she quickly shook her head and wiped both hands against her eyes, banishing the traces of sadness with the motions while distancing Yas once again.

 

“You brilliant girl,” the Doctor started, only to be cut off.

 

“Don’t do that.  Don’t praise me, don’t stand there and make me feel so special, so loved, and then push me away when I can’t help but respond to that.  Don’t you dare, Doctor.”  Yas would never have normally taken such a tone with her friend, but she couldn’t temper her words right now. 

 

The human had spent months agonizing over her feelings when she had realized how hard she’d fallen for her Time Lord, desperate to just move past them and the complications they posed.  After all, Yasmin was a practical person.  She knew that at some point, this would have to end.  She would step off of the Tardis, who knew at what age or with what experiences, but in the blink of an eye the police box would be nothing more than a piece of her past.  There was no way she would have risked bringing that inevitable conclusion closer by expressing her feelings to the Doctor. 

 

At least, that was what she thought, right up until she had the Doctor in her arms, her face impossibly close to her own, eyes shimmering with wonder that made the human feel so lost in them, and yet so clearly seen.  Without meaning to, alone in the main console area after seeking the Doctor out to talk, Yas had leaned forward, pressing her lips to the Doctors with a quiet hum.  For a short while they’d both responded, Yas’s thumb brushing against the Doctor’s cheek as the blonde’s hands found their way into dark hair, tangling themselves there and pulling the young companion in close.  Neither one had any hesitation, but as Yas pulled away, gasping for air, the Doctor caught a look at her, and the love in Yas’s dark eyes pulled her back down to Earth.  Back to that little planet she kept plucking these humans from, only to watch them leave her one way or another.

 

The moment had been shattered with those thoughts and the Doctor was left with the young girl staring at her, confusion mounting as she waited for some sort of explanation.

 

“Yas. That, it was…” The Doctor tried to explain but couldn’t for the life of her find the right words.  She needed to say so much, but there was no way to get around her main point without losing the girl in front of her.  Once she said what needed to be said, there was no guarantee she’d stick around for the rest. 

 

As it turned out though, Yas hadn’t felt particularly keen to stick around for any of it at all.  The Doctor’s stammering had truly snapped her out of her confusion for the time being, replacing it with a mix of emotions, sending her down a corridor at a rapid pace.  By the time the Doctor had fully understood that Yas wasn’t going to be stopping anytime soon, she had already gained quite a lead on her.  And that was how they found themselves in their current predicament: both a little sore from their collision, and both with emotions threatening to spill over.

 

“Doctor.” Yas’s voice broke through the silence for a moment.  “I’m going to talk for a bit, since you don’t seem too keen to move from where you are.  But if you’re going to maintain that stubbornness, you don’t get a say in this conversation, not yet at least.”

 

The alien just looked at her young companion, not even opening her mouth to respond.  The atmosphere had shifted now; Yas held the cards, and while the Doctor knew that not much could be said to change their situation, she would hear her out.  She always would. 

 

“You’ve given me more than I could have ever dreamed to ask for.  I never knew what this world had to offer, and then you dropped from the sky just to show me.  You opened up the universe to me, to all of us.  Because you have the power to do that.  Don’t deny it, don’t fall back on your story of the traveler, of the woman who just wanders throughout the universe ever so casually righting wrongs.  You’re so much more than that.”

 

At that, the Doctor almost interrupted, almost went to deny it all, to break that image of her into a million pieces if it meant Yas wouldn’t have to find out the hard way that it just wasn’t how they would keep on going.  But she kept her mouth closed, eyes narrowing but allowing Yas to continue. 

 

The younger girl took a breath, begging her voice not to give into the quiver she could feel forming in her throat.  “You have the whole world in your hands, and you make it ever so alluring.  And that’s what I want for the rest of my time.  To see the world the way you see it, to experience it with you at its fullest.  But I can’t do that when you keep me so far from you.” 

 

Yas stepped closer to the Doctor, lacing her fingers with the blonde’s and bringing their joined hands up between them.  “This, you don’t have to be scared of this.  Or whatever it is you’re feeling.  Whatever it is, I want to deal with it, because I want all of you, and I want you to want me to have it.  I can’t make this happen without you.”

 

“No, you can’t, can you?” the Doctor asked, a small smile forming on her lips that never met her eyes.  She looked down towards their joined hands, feeling the shared warmth, but remembering what that kind of connection lead to, even at this simplest form caused her to gently untangle their fingers as she guided Yas’s hand back to the girl’s side.  She saw the hurt already forming in her friend’s eyes as she took a step away, her first move in a while. 

 

She ran a hand through her hair, frustration forming as she tried to find the words to explain herself.  “There’s so much I can give you.  And you deserve even more than that, my sweet Yasmin Khan.” The Doctor said as she took another step away from Yas, half facing her, hiding behind the lack of eye contact at that moment.  She didn’t like expressing just how vulnerable she was, how powerless she could be when it came to her companions.  But the reality of that was something Yas had a right to know.

 

“You deserve the universe, but that same universe has nasty, nasty things in store for all of us.  I can’t protect you from it all.”

 

Yas had already taken a breath in, ready to protest, to reference all of the times that she owed the Doctor her life for, but the Time Lord was quick to cut the human off this time. 

 

“I can keep you safe, as long as we’re in this box.  Here, I can show you the world without any fear of what may come.  But you deserve to live it. I know you Yas, you need to be out there, in the thick of it all.  And that’s where the trouble comes.  You’re going to get out there, and eventually, something is going to happen that’s going to wake you up from this dream I’ve gone and put you in.  And that’s if you live to see the day come.  People die with me, my dear.  We don’t get to choose to circumvent that fact simply because I…” she trailed off, unable to tell if her next word would have been one she regretted, or if the regret would lie with never having said it at all.

 

“I hate the loneliness they leave behind, I hate it so much that I keep finding new people, and I never quite get the disclaimer right enough it would seem.  You don’t even know what you’re asking from me.  Every life I have lived points to this ending in a tragedy, and I can’t do that, not with _you_.  I just can’t do another ending.”

 

The words echoed in between the two women, the silence acting as an understanding for them both.  It was clear that the doctor had said those words before, and it hurt to have to say them yet again.  How many times had she gone through this?  And how did she manage to keep that same joy in her soul with each person lost to her?

 

Yas had so many questions, and that was the problem, wasn’t it?  She would always want more.  Just like she had said that first real night as they all scrambled back into the Tardis; she needed more time with the Doctor, more of the universe to be open to her. She wanted everything the Doctor was willing to give her.  She’d already fallen for the blonde alien, in Yas's eyes, there was no where to go but up with her Doctor.

 

“I can see those gears in that beautiful head of yours turning.” The Doctor said, a small smile turning her lips upward. 

 

“But,” she began, “you have to feel how impossible it seems, for this to work.”

 

“Why though?  Tell me why this has to be impossible?  I’ve seen you, I’ve seen when your eyes go a little bit darker, when your fingers curl into fists hidden in your pockets.  I’ve felt the energy rolling off of you when I’m in danger, or when you see someone being wronged.  You’re telling me that person can’t protect me?”

 

“I can’t!”

 

The Doctor never raised her voice, making the occasion one that sparked both awe and fear in Yas, and the young girl took a step away, but silently pleaded for more to be said. 

 

“No matter how much, I can’t tell you that.  I can’t promise that, because it would be a lie.  Eventually something will happen, and there’s always a chance that you won’t be there at the end!  Do you know how many times I’ve had people leave without being able to say what needed to be said?  How many words will forever be right on the tip of my tongue, with no one left to say them to?”

 

“When have I ever made you feel like I was worried about the ‘eventually’ part of our adventures, Doctor?” Yaz’s voice was soft as she questioned the Doctor.  “That’s never been something I’ve thought about.  All I have asked is for more, and you’ve always obliged.  So just keep doing that, with me, for as long as we have.  Tell me that _that_ is possible.”

 

Now they both had tears pricking at their eyes, any anger already having been replaced with the two women’s fondness for each other.  At least, that was what they were willing to call it for now. 

 

“I’m not asking you for something you can’t give me.” Yas said, taking both the Doctor’s hands in her own before she could change her mind.  “I want adventures, I want the stars, and I want them all with you.  Nothing in this world, or any other, can convince me otherwise.  You fell through the sky, and we all found you.  That much was meant to be.  And the rest, it’s up to you and me, Doctor.”

 

Yas just squeezed the alien’s hands reassuringly; she didn’t need an answer, she just needed to feel the Time Lord, to know she was with her still.

 

With a deep breath to steady herself, the Doctor did her best to accept what was to come, and then gently tugged on the hands holding her own, bringing her companion well within her reach.  “My dear Yas.  I hope you know how much I want you here, how much I want this to work.  I would tear down the stars from the sky and leave them crushed at your feet if it meant the threats they hold would die with them.  I’d never deny my feelings for you.  But I also don’t know that this world would survive if I lost you.  So this can’t happen, I can’t love you if it means I’ll end you as well.”

 

Before Yas knew what was happening, a hand was on the small of her back, pushing her flush to the Doctor’s front as her lips connected with the alien’s, and she moaned, even with the tears starting to fall.  Yas took her other hand out of the Doctor’s and slid it up her neck, resting it in soft blonde hair and opening her mouth, desperate not to accept what the Doctor had said, not yet.  She’d never felt so close to the Time Lord before, and yet she could already feel the distance between the two preparing to set in. 

 

The two of them connecting like this was nothing short of perfect, just another sign to Yas that it was meant to be.  But minutes after it had begun, the Doctor pulled away, cheeks flushed and eyes full of tears.  Yas couldn’t help but look away, and in that moment, she felt the Doctor’s hands leave her body, and the sudden loss of warmth nearly took her breath away.  Footsteps made their way down the hall slowly, the noise fading with each moment.  And only when there was no sound left to be heard did Yas look up, finding herself with just the humming of the Tardis, and a loss she had no idea how to recover from.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for giving this a read, I honestly have no idea how this happened. I'm in a foreign country and I haven't written anything besides academic papers for 3 years now, this ship is just real powerful lmao. 
> 
> Fun game to play: spot all the references to the song! I tried to write it in tandem with the song, alternating between Yaz/Phillip and Thirteen/Anne lines in the song, plus some classic who lines.
> 
> Should I do a second chapter with a happier ending?
> 
> Lemme know any thoughts!


End file.
